You have lovingly, gently responded to your baby’s cues, you have been respectful about how you interact with your toddler, you have read and researched how you can help your child develop optimum mental, emotional and physical well-being and you have encouraged his joyous spirit. Along the way, you have copped reactions from family, friends and perfect strangers, ranging from intrigue (Are you STILL breastfeeding? You mean he sleeps in YOUR bed?) to downright rudeness ( he needs a ‘good’ smack! He’s too big for THAT!).
You probably have some dreamy image of a bonded, loving family of cooperative, placid children as a result of your gentle, connected parenting but I would just like to offer a caution:
Whatever parenting style you choose is hard work, but it can seem particularly intense to implement a very conscious, attached parenting style. It can also be a shock to discover that these empathically parented children can be strong-willed, independent and often quite feisty individuals. There will be days when you question whether it might have been better all round to have kept your baby in a darkened room with little stimulation (so she isn’t so smart); or perhaps to have been more rigid in your style of discipline (so she would be more compliant). On days like these, it can help to remember how important it is to nurture an independent child who can think for themselves:
*Independent children are less likely to be compliant to peers (this becomes especially pertinent in their teenage years).
*Independent children are more likely to have intact self-esteem, which will impact their entire lives and how they allow others to treat them.
Although they are likely to experiment, explore and push the boundaries as much or more than any children as they grow, if the connection between you and your child is strong, you will intuitively sense when they need some extra support or firmer boundaries. As a connected parent, you will have the confidence in yourself to do what is best for each child (this might mean seeking referrals for extra help or support for yourself, at times). You will be secure enough in your role as a guardian of and model for your child that you won’t need to be ‘best friends’ to ensure your child’s love.
15 comments on “Attachment parenting – bonding or bondage?”
Laura
Thanks for this. I do sometimes find it hard not to question if I am doing the right thing some days and today was one of those! Great post.
Pinky McKay
I am sure we all have days when we question ourselves and if we are doing things differently from family or friends, its very easy to have days when our confidence wavers. Hang in there!
Hayley
Thank you 🙂 I needed this today too! I found this read very interesting and it explains so much 🙂
Bryn
Thanks for this post! Our 1.5 year old daughter is getting into her ‘no’s with gusto… At times it can be tricky to try and respect her feelings and negotiate something that works for us both, but most of the time I just glow on the inside and feel incredibly blessed to have a little one that so clearly knows what she wants, and has no qualms about letting others know!
Pinky McKay
These ‘feisty’ children are really lots of fun – try to think of how this ‘assertiveness’ will be a wonderful quality when she is an adult!
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Lisa Bridger
I still wondering at times if I’m doing it right by my toddler and baby then I look at my wonderful, respectful, grounded teenagers and think, yep sure did get it right, keep doing what you’re doing, ignore the comments you got it right
MamaQ
You just made me feel about a million times better about my parenting. Thank you!
Patrice
I always tell the visiting critics, who comment on my 1yr old daughter being too stubborn, to ‘leave her alone, she is standing up for herself’ and I love that she has sass.
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Jodie
Man the past few days especially have been hard! My 3 year old has spent a lot of time in RCH being poked & prodded so we have done attachment parenting to help her through it. The problem: she is constantly demanding, stubborn & quite frankly, I’m tiring of her voice. Feeling exhausted!
Katrina
This is so great to read. We have a very independent, strong willed but empathetic 2 year old whose current favourite phrases are ‘no, I don’t like ….’ And ‘stop it Mummy/Daddy, I can do it’. She also will apologise if she thinks she has upset us, without prompting.
It has been a challenging 2 years, being constantly ‘connected’ to her through feeding to sleep and gentle parenting but I wouldn’t change a thing. And if I can have some piece of mind that as she grows up she will be a considerate and kind person who will stand up for herself and others, then I have done my job as a parent.
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